PERSON OF LA 17: The Dream Big

A classic stereotype of the performer is the small town boy or girl who packed up everything they own in a small suitcase, hitchhiked West with a kindly truck drive, to be dropped off on Hollywood Boulevard, where they were quickly discovered and introduced to a life of luxury and fame. This classic stereotype is a great myth of yore.

(Today, the only thing that comes remotely close is the small town boy or girl who is forced to pack up his or her life because they have a parent with a savvy business sense and lack of shame that will drive them to exploit their child for profit. This is the modern version of the myth.)

Yet, people still move to Los Angeles with that mindset. Many become professional extras, some get caught up working in the system behind the scenes, some are derailed from their aspirations and forgot what they even came here for, some move back, some die, and some actually “make it.” These people who do this are the Dream Bigs. They have and know their dream and want so much for it to come true.

However, in an ever changing and greedy industry, a lack of knowledge and prowess leaves these hopefuls washing up before they ever were. They become street performers on Hollywood Boulevard. They become secretaries for production houses. They get caught up in avant gardist theatre when they just want to do film. They cycle through classes upon classes upon classes because their “break is just around the corner.” They have a doggedness that is admirable but an inability to grasp reality that is so big, it proves detrimental.

Dream Bigs are in the pursuit for good. They are here to act or sing or dance or tell jokes. They aren’t going anywhere. Some have been here for twenty, thirty, forty years still trying to stick their square peg in Hollywood’s round hole.

The Dream Big represents the reason why everyone moves to Los Angeles: to follow his or her dreams of success on the big screen. These people are hopeless but also quite the source of inspiration. They are sad but also innocent. They are unfazed and unjaded and unbiased. They still have hope and, because they still believe they can do it, so do others. Their drive is infectious. They are nice, genuine people (albeit mildly stupid).

It’s hard knowing a Dream Big: you just want to help them and, for whatever reason, they won’t take it or they will fuck it up. It’s not that they don’t want the help: they just want that discovery—they want someone to love them for who they are and who wants to turn who they are into a movie star.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 6

These people aren’t mean or rude or disgusting like other sixes. However, they are just so sad and helpless and “self-sufficient” that having relationships with them is extremely difficult. You just will just end up annoyed, depressed, and angry. It is best to keep these people at arms length. That way, you can still find them inspiring and helpful, rather than sad Never Wases.

WORTH THE HYPE? Venice Beach

Gist: Ahhhh: the beach—one of the most alluring qualities about Los Angeles. There are several beaches to chose from, all of which are very different. There’s the carnivalesque Santa Monica beach, the zooming Marina Del Rey, the laid back appeal of Hermosa and Manhattan, and—the most popular—Venice Beach. Venice Beach is known for the sites it has to offer, the board walk-ey atmosphere, muscle clad iron men, and it’s history of being an arts mecca in mid twentieth century. Venice is full of a lot of characters and a lot of attractions—its definitely a site to see.

Pros: Well, it’s a beach! That’s always exciting! You can get a Thai massage for $10! You can get your palm read for $5! You can take a dip in the Pacific for free! You can score some marijuana and smoke with your friends! Want to work out? Go to their beachside Gold’s Gym! There are plenty of places to eat, hang out, and congregate: Venice has the best of everything!

Cons: But, the “best of everything” attracts the worst of everyone. The area is riddled with tourists, thus making a trip there for a local unbearable. Homeless persons and strung-out twenty somethings march up and down the walk, conversing with colorful street vendors and booth owners. The feel is that of a sunnier, prettier, and more alive Wildwood, NJ boardwalk—but inhabited by crazies. Things in the area can be cheap; however, you get what you paid for. Keep that in mind.

Verdict: NOT WORTH IT. This may be a bit of anti-popularity on the writers behalf, but we feel it would be best to travel a little further south and hang out in Hermosa/Manhattan. They are so much prettier and a lot more fun (as they don’t have the crowds). Venice may be more convenient to get to. Just remember: with convenience come costs. Do you want to pay that price? No. You don’t. You’re better than that. And, we warned you.

LETTERS FROM THE WEST: That Old Flame

Pete—

I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I wanted to send you a message to see how things are going for you. I had dinner with Tommy earlier this week and, funny story, he mentioned that you were in town last week and you guys hung out. Is that true? I find that pretty hard to believe because you swore to me before I moved to Los Angeles that you would "only come to Los Angeles to see me—but, I’d have to get over hate for Los Angeles if I ever want to see you again.” Now, I don’t know what foul play is going on, but I’m suspecting that you got over you’re hate for Los Angeles! I understand that my getting a new cellular phone number for work may have thrown you off, but I’ve texted you before (and you’ve texted back), so I thought you had my number. Maybe you thought I was out of town or didn’t want to be too begrudging because we both know I have a terrifically busy schedule. I hope you had a great time out here in Los Angeles and, next time you are in town for vacation, let me know, as I’d like to grab some coffee with you and catch up and show you all the good things LA has to offer :) Hope all is well. Miss you <3

bt

Labor Day Is Less Than A Month Away...YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

FUCKING JAMMED 405 TRAFFIC

PERSON OF LA 16: The Cross Bearing Assistant

There are a lot of important people in this world. And, for every important person, is a less-important person who greases the gears and allows for the important person to tend to his or her occupation and life—these greasers are called “assistants.”

For most celebrities, executives, or anyone who feels they have enough money to buy self-importance, he or she will hire an assistant. And, to quote a friend who is a personal assistant, “[His or Her] life is my life.” Assistants are like guide dogs: they are responsible for getting their boss from place to place and arrange their boss’ meetings and events. They do all the legwork and sleep even less and get paid next to nothing.

Depending on where and who the assistant is working for, it may not be all that bad. For example, many agents’ and lawyers’ assistants only are permitted to work from 9AM to 6PM and not on the weekends (mainly because the economy has forced them to cut costs; thus, assistant’s work less, as to prevent overtime pay). However, for most normal assistants, such grace is not granted. Many work on measly weekly wages, which is a means to justify internalized white-collar slavery.

These assistants do the majority of their boss’ work. At first, it can be “fun”: you feel liberated, excited to have such freedom, and motivated to make your boss proud. After six months of doing this multiple times a day and realizing your boss does 15% less work (masked in driving and sitting in meetings looking pretty), the assistant begins to become jaded and angry and ready to move on: they’ve come to the realization that they have been taken advantage of.

This type of assistant relationship represents about 65% of Hollywood. The remainder is usually healthy positive relationships. It just depends on if the boss and assistant “click.” As we said before, for an assistant “[his or her] life is my life.” And, if the life that you have taken on is not a good one, the relationship will be that of two employees that merely tolerate each other (despite the fact that they have to rely on each other). Such relationships are why suicide* is resorted to (11% of all assistants commit suicide each year*).

So, if you know an assistant, give them a hug and a pat on the back: they’re going through the shitter and have no exit. They’re very busy and very unhappy: try to put them in a good mood. And, most importantly, DO NOT ASK THEM ABOUT WORK: THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2 (5)

Like all other 2s, these people are just put in a really fucked up situation and really need help. They’re dying for a release and for a break and for a job that they actually want to do. They want to be achieving their own dreams, not wiping someone else’s ass. (Some of these assistants can be toxic, though: they’re just baby Hollywood types who will slash your throat. Or, they are so jaded that they will Debbie Downer you to death.)

*That statistic is a complete lie. But 100% have thought about killing themselves.

WORTH THE HYPE? The Hollywood Bowl

The Gist: Tucked between the hills of the Cahuenga Pass is one of the grandest amphitheatres in the West: the Hollywood Bowl. A concert and performance venue, this space is absolutely key to every Los Angelenos summers. They host a range of different shows, from musical reviews to full-fledged rock concerts.

Pros: $7 tickets? WHAAAAAT??? The great prices you can score on tickets are an absolute steal. Regardless of where you are in the Bowl, you can bring your own goodies (food, drinks, booze) and party down. The atmosphere is very friendly and open: it’s like you’ve been at a four-day music festival—without the sleeping in tents and not showering. The Bowl is very secure and an interesting piece of Los Angeles architecture and—regardless of where you sit—has fantastic sound. Thanks, ancient Greece!

Cons: $7 tickets that are so far from the stage you need a telescope? WHAAAAAT?? These steal of tickets are usually met with discomfort and disappointment. Parking is somewhat of a nightmare because, regardless of how you stack it, you’re in a bad situation: if you pay the money to park close, you’re met with the exodus congestion; if you park far, you have to walk quite a distance and get the runoff of the exodus traffic; and, if you park in one of their lots, you ride a bus, get your car, and run into to exodus traffic. The large amount of people in the Bowl can be a bit overwhelming, too. And, naturally, everything for purchase there is incredibly over priced ($21 for some stank ass Sangria in a plastic cup: come. the. shit. on.)

Verdict: TIE. The prices and acts the Bowl puts up are irrefutable: they’re stellar, they are fun, and they make an LA summer a true summer. It’s a headache to get to and leave from and usually ends with you spending more than you’d like, but it’s worth a go once or twice. If you live nearby or within walking distance: you’re in primetime. Buy a season pass and abuse the hell out of it!

(CELEBRITY) PERSON OF LA 15: The Real Pseudo-Celebrity and The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity

There are many celebrities in Los Angeles. And, like any social group, there are different tiers, classes, and airs associated with them. Here at Hollywood Field Guide, we will be detailing several types of celebrities. We kick off our celebrity entries with two different types of Pseudo-Celebrities: the Real and the Fake.

The basis for celebrity is being an entertainer or spectacle or at least some sort of public figure who has and maintains—be it intentional or not—a following. The Real Pseudo-Celebrity is a credible actor or musician who simply has not reached that high of a level of success. They are well known and coveted in certain circles but are too obscure or unknown to the masses to actually be classified as a “celebrity.” They are very well adjusted and normal. They’re great conversationists and very nice. You’ll be surprised to know they live even the vaguest of public lives.

You won’t know a Real Pseudo-Celebrity until after a few drinks and talking about “work,” where you have your “A-HA” moment of their celebrity. You may be at a party with friends and start socializing with a perfect stranger. After some time, the two of you start talking about dodge ball and how hard the sport is. He starts giving you tips and advice on how to be a better player. After a lengthy conversation with him, you excuse yourself to ask a friend, “How did he know so much about dodge ball?” Your friend laughs and looks back whispers, “He was the black guy in Dodgeball.” You try to play it cool but come to the realization: you had a run in with a Real Pseudo-Celebrity.

The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity is the exact opposite of the Real Pseudo-Celebrity: they have had a bigger run-in with public media, they are over the top, and they make their presence be known (mainly through their lack of intelligence). These persons are the flash-in-the-pan types of celebrity that should be long gone, invisible to the public eye. And, most are and should be, if it weren’t for these persons unhealthy attachment to attention. Instead of creatively reinventing or trying to harness their temporary fame into a long term investment (a la, producing, buying real estate, etc.), they instead make a livelihood from snowballing club appearances.

You will know a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity, because they will make it very well known that you are in their presence and that they were once a (that one girl—you won’t remember her “name”) from Rock of Love III: Bus or that guy from Daisy of Love. These people will likely drive you in the opposite direction and won’t engage you enough to even talk to them (unless you are of the smaller mindset that enjoys them, thus coddling their fame) (NOTE: it is okay to talk to them if one is trying to be ironic—but do not stroke their ego. Your conversation/interaction should be like their career: flash-in-the-pan). You’ll most likely leave the restaurant or club or bar you were at because of this person. Then, you’ll realize: you had a run in with a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity.

Now, both of these types can interchange: a seemingly Real Pseudo-Celebrity may be a megalomaniac asshole who you cannot even think to look at and a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity may be an intelligent, sweet, and well intentioned individual. Take everything in strides with celebrities. They’re all different and all confusing. It’s always good to proceed with caution and many grains of salt.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2/7

The Real Pseudo-Celebrity is a joy. They are a breath of fresh air and a Los Angeleno you hope to encounter and hang out with again. They really are great people. The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity makes you want to claw your eyes out. Being in their presence is like subjecting yourself to nails on a chalkboard.