PERSON OF LA 16: The Cross Bearing Assistant

There are a lot of important people in this world. And, for every important person, is a less-important person who greases the gears and allows for the important person to tend to his or her occupation and life—these greasers are called “assistants.”

For most celebrities, executives, or anyone who feels they have enough money to buy self-importance, he or she will hire an assistant. And, to quote a friend who is a personal assistant, “[His or Her] life is my life.” Assistants are like guide dogs: they are responsible for getting their boss from place to place and arrange their boss’ meetings and events. They do all the legwork and sleep even less and get paid next to nothing.

Depending on where and who the assistant is working for, it may not be all that bad. For example, many agents’ and lawyers’ assistants only are permitted to work from 9AM to 6PM and not on the weekends (mainly because the economy has forced them to cut costs; thus, assistant’s work less, as to prevent overtime pay). However, for most normal assistants, such grace is not granted. Many work on measly weekly wages, which is a means to justify internalized white-collar slavery.

These assistants do the majority of their boss’ work. At first, it can be “fun”: you feel liberated, excited to have such freedom, and motivated to make your boss proud. After six months of doing this multiple times a day and realizing your boss does 15% less work (masked in driving and sitting in meetings looking pretty), the assistant begins to become jaded and angry and ready to move on: they’ve come to the realization that they have been taken advantage of.

This type of assistant relationship represents about 65% of Hollywood. The remainder is usually healthy positive relationships. It just depends on if the boss and assistant “click.” As we said before, for an assistant “[his or her] life is my life.” And, if the life that you have taken on is not a good one, the relationship will be that of two employees that merely tolerate each other (despite the fact that they have to rely on each other). Such relationships are why suicide* is resorted to (11% of all assistants commit suicide each year*).

So, if you know an assistant, give them a hug and a pat on the back: they’re going through the shitter and have no exit. They’re very busy and very unhappy: try to put them in a good mood. And, most importantly, DO NOT ASK THEM ABOUT WORK: THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2 (5)

Like all other 2s, these people are just put in a really fucked up situation and really need help. They’re dying for a release and for a break and for a job that they actually want to do. They want to be achieving their own dreams, not wiping someone else’s ass. (Some of these assistants can be toxic, though: they’re just baby Hollywood types who will slash your throat. Or, they are so jaded that they will Debbie Downer you to death.)

*That statistic is a complete lie. But 100% have thought about killing themselves.

(CELEBRITY) PERSON OF LA 15: The Real Pseudo-Celebrity and The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity

There are many celebrities in Los Angeles. And, like any social group, there are different tiers, classes, and airs associated with them. Here at Hollywood Field Guide, we will be detailing several types of celebrities. We kick off our celebrity entries with two different types of Pseudo-Celebrities: the Real and the Fake.

The basis for celebrity is being an entertainer or spectacle or at least some sort of public figure who has and maintains—be it intentional or not—a following. The Real Pseudo-Celebrity is a credible actor or musician who simply has not reached that high of a level of success. They are well known and coveted in certain circles but are too obscure or unknown to the masses to actually be classified as a “celebrity.” They are very well adjusted and normal. They’re great conversationists and very nice. You’ll be surprised to know they live even the vaguest of public lives.

You won’t know a Real Pseudo-Celebrity until after a few drinks and talking about “work,” where you have your “A-HA” moment of their celebrity. You may be at a party with friends and start socializing with a perfect stranger. After some time, the two of you start talking about dodge ball and how hard the sport is. He starts giving you tips and advice on how to be a better player. After a lengthy conversation with him, you excuse yourself to ask a friend, “How did he know so much about dodge ball?” Your friend laughs and looks back whispers, “He was the black guy in Dodgeball.” You try to play it cool but come to the realization: you had a run in with a Real Pseudo-Celebrity.

The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity is the exact opposite of the Real Pseudo-Celebrity: they have had a bigger run-in with public media, they are over the top, and they make their presence be known (mainly through their lack of intelligence). These persons are the flash-in-the-pan types of celebrity that should be long gone, invisible to the public eye. And, most are and should be, if it weren’t for these persons unhealthy attachment to attention. Instead of creatively reinventing or trying to harness their temporary fame into a long term investment (a la, producing, buying real estate, etc.), they instead make a livelihood from snowballing club appearances.

You will know a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity, because they will make it very well known that you are in their presence and that they were once a (that one girl—you won’t remember her “name”) from Rock of Love III: Bus or that guy from Daisy of Love. These people will likely drive you in the opposite direction and won’t engage you enough to even talk to them (unless you are of the smaller mindset that enjoys them, thus coddling their fame) (NOTE: it is okay to talk to them if one is trying to be ironic—but do not stroke their ego. Your conversation/interaction should be like their career: flash-in-the-pan). You’ll most likely leave the restaurant or club or bar you were at because of this person. Then, you’ll realize: you had a run in with a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity.

Now, both of these types can interchange: a seemingly Real Pseudo-Celebrity may be a megalomaniac asshole who you cannot even think to look at and a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity may be an intelligent, sweet, and well intentioned individual. Take everything in strides with celebrities. They’re all different and all confusing. It’s always good to proceed with caution and many grains of salt.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2/7

The Real Pseudo-Celebrity is a joy. They are a breath of fresh air and a Los Angeleno you hope to encounter and hang out with again. They really are great people. The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity makes you want to claw your eyes out. Being in their presence is like subjecting yourself to nails on a chalkboard.

PERSON OF LA 14: The Gay Frat Boy

We’ve spoken about different groupings and how they border each other here in LA, but never have really taken two completely different groups and combined them. Well, hold on to your hats: here’s an interesting combination that is sweeping the town!

Take a Frat Boy, multiply his Bro loving ways to an erotic extent, add in some muscles, a low key (somewhat ashamed) demeanor, divide by a flawed fashion sense, and—Voila!—you have the Gay Frat Boy! These men are very interesting in that they are just like any other Fraternity brother—but they are not attracted to men.

In our encounters in other cities, we’ve met Frat boys who go from man’s man to full queen, but never the types that LA have. They keep most of their Frat Boy identity intact and even tell stories from “their college days”—but never really make it known that they are gay.

These guys are usually on the fast track to monetary success (in agency or PR fields, if young; executives in film and television, if older; sometimes, they pop up in creative arenas) and keep their machismo façade at the forefront of all activity. When you do find out they are gay, you don’t get it and won’t get it because these guys are clearly heterosexual and you just think “it’s the alcohol talking.” But, like any other gay man, they enjoy a good penis every now and again.

But, unlike other Los Angeles gay men, they do not ever go to West Hollywood to gay it up or to a gay bar. Ever. It simply is not their style. They are very clean cut and very proper and very hetero. They are—essentially—every gay man’s fantasy: the straight man who is actually gay.

It seems that their lack of participation in gay lifestyle may be that they aren’t fully comfortable with their identity or they feel that it threatens their career. Thus, these men keep things under wrap. They usually move to LA because they can be “themselves” and because they’ve followed courses of life that require them to be out here (mainly business ventures).

These men are very guarded and very, very hard to crack. They are nice, they are bro-ish, and they don’t like attention. They do not hang out with gay men and do not really know how to meet them. They come in all ages and are all markedly successful: they are—essentially—Frat Boys gone right.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2

These guys are truly perplexing, harmless, and enjoyable. And, if you really want them to talk about boys, get them a Jack and coke and you are set: the gay floodgate has been opened! (But, they still won’t accompany you to WeHo to gay it up. It just is not them.)

TIP: For all you gays wondering how to crack these guys, you have to play it cool: don’t over gay it, play hard to get, and ignore them. They’ll come to you if you don’t come on to them.

PERSON OF LA 10: The One-Degree

It’s all too common to hear about someone’s “famous” friend or relative out in Los Angeles. Everyone is trying to brag and one-up each other on how semi-famous they are by association. People in LA are in a perpetual pissing contest, trying to win the title of having seen, met, or known the most famous celebrity in their social group. (See: Celebrastalker)

However, for every desperate famous friend seeker, there is someone who is actually in with a celebrity. These people are the One-Degree, a people that actually are one degree away from a famous celebrity. These people know a celebrity personally and are fairly involved in the celebrity’s life (just in a non-professional arena). They are sometimes related to said celebrity or were friends before they were famous. These people don’t even really notice or realize this friend is famous: the celebrity they are one degree away from is just like anyone else they know.

One-Degrees are quite nonchalant about their being close to a celebrity. They do not brag or gloat or rub being close to a celebrity in people’s faces (the One-Degree who does this is called the I KNOW SOMEONE YOU DON’T—post to come). They usually are fairly close in level of success and lifestyle as the celebrity—they just aren’t as high of profile. Thus, the celebrity they are close to are commonplace: their celebrity friend is normal.

These people can sometimes have a chip on their shoulder because—lets face it—they aren’t poor and aren’t uncultured. They easily turn down their nose to a 99¢ Store and refuse to eat anywhere else but Lucques or the like. These people almost have a celebrity mentality, just without the celebrity. There is nothing wrong with that.

The One-Degree are tolerable and usually are or end up becoming West Coast Yuppies. They function on a higher level, outside of the Los Angeles, because of this famous person they are close to. Even if they haven’t actually done everything their celebrity friend has, they have definitely learned from them and know exactly how to walk the walk and talk the talk.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2

The One-Degree is harmless. They may have an icy façade, but they are by no means mean or harsh or unbearable. They are just trying to live their life—a life that involves a celebrity.

PERSON OF LA 9: The West Coast Yuppie

There’s a lot of money floating around Los Angeles. For many citizens over the age of thirty, they did not move to Los Angeles until later in life, after they had broken into The Biz in New York City or Seattle or Miami or Atlanta. These people reached the peak of their success in the late nineties and finally shipped out here in the early 2000s.

These are the West Coast Yuppies. They aren’t that different from East Coast Yuppies (see: Parker Posey and Michael Hitchcock’s characters in Best In Show); however, they have something with them that the Easterners don’t have: they are incredibly jaded regarding their city. They’re just over it and, as a result, over their jobs, the lifestyle, and The Biz in general. And, since the culture of Los Angeles is like no other, their object obsession manifests itself differently than other cities’ Yups, which is based in their attempting to live vicariously in other cities.

The junction between LA Yups isn’t that surprising and is all an attempt to capture the glories of cities they deem "better" but in the confines of Los Angeles: they want a cute low-key, modernist house in the hills, they want their Prius, they want their mailed diet-food, they want to fly Virgin Air, they want their cocktail and dinner parties, they want reservations at The Hungry Cat, they want their Sunday New York Times, they want to go to Sur La Table, they want tickets to see Away We Go at The Arclight, they want their vacation in Laos, they want their Friday nights to be at Cobras and Matadors, they want to maybe dabble with Botox, they want their kitchenware from William-Sonoma Home, they want their Netflix with Cassevetes films, etc. Their mindset is a combination of late 1970s bohemian (which is a desire to be their age in that decade in NYC), 1980s materialist, 1990s grunge kids, and 2000s aged hipsters.

And, the best part: they obsess over their hate for Los Angeles. When they first moved here, they were spry, fresh, and excited about LA since it was new to them. Now, they’re still spry and fresh, but Los Angeles isn’t that new to them. They’ve seen it all before. They now are sitting on a nice cushion of cash and—frankly—want to be in New York City or Seattle or Miami or Atlanta: back home. They’re tired of the constant sun, the lack of rain, the palm trees, the celebrity culture, the prices (well, actually they don’t care about that)—they just want something more low key.

The West Coast Yuppie wants a city that matches their mindset: they all want to be in New York City, which is the Mecca of pop culture, fashion, design, and logic. They all want to leave, but they won’t. Their work is in Los Angeles. They also secretly want to be the old lady who lives on their block in the Hills who is boho chic well into her nineties.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2

The West Coast Yuppies aren’t bad people and are actually some of the best people in the city since they are so NOT LA. They are well-connected, fun, dry, and know how to have a good time. However, they can be easily mistaken for the California Native Yuppie. It is very, very important to note the difference. The WCY are angels to encounter compared to the CNY.