(CELEBRITY) PERSON OF LA 15: The Real Pseudo-Celebrity and The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity

There are many celebrities in Los Angeles. And, like any social group, there are different tiers, classes, and airs associated with them. Here at Hollywood Field Guide, we will be detailing several types of celebrities. We kick off our celebrity entries with two different types of Pseudo-Celebrities: the Real and the Fake.

The basis for celebrity is being an entertainer or spectacle or at least some sort of public figure who has and maintains—be it intentional or not—a following. The Real Pseudo-Celebrity is a credible actor or musician who simply has not reached that high of a level of success. They are well known and coveted in certain circles but are too obscure or unknown to the masses to actually be classified as a “celebrity.” They are very well adjusted and normal. They’re great conversationists and very nice. You’ll be surprised to know they live even the vaguest of public lives.

You won’t know a Real Pseudo-Celebrity until after a few drinks and talking about “work,” where you have your “A-HA” moment of their celebrity. You may be at a party with friends and start socializing with a perfect stranger. After some time, the two of you start talking about dodge ball and how hard the sport is. He starts giving you tips and advice on how to be a better player. After a lengthy conversation with him, you excuse yourself to ask a friend, “How did he know so much about dodge ball?” Your friend laughs and looks back whispers, “He was the black guy in Dodgeball.” You try to play it cool but come to the realization: you had a run in with a Real Pseudo-Celebrity.

The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity is the exact opposite of the Real Pseudo-Celebrity: they have had a bigger run-in with public media, they are over the top, and they make their presence be known (mainly through their lack of intelligence). These persons are the flash-in-the-pan types of celebrity that should be long gone, invisible to the public eye. And, most are and should be, if it weren’t for these persons unhealthy attachment to attention. Instead of creatively reinventing or trying to harness their temporary fame into a long term investment (a la, producing, buying real estate, etc.), they instead make a livelihood from snowballing club appearances.

You will know a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity, because they will make it very well known that you are in their presence and that they were once a (that one girl—you won’t remember her “name”) from Rock of Love III: Bus or that guy from Daisy of Love. These people will likely drive you in the opposite direction and won’t engage you enough to even talk to them (unless you are of the smaller mindset that enjoys them, thus coddling their fame) (NOTE: it is okay to talk to them if one is trying to be ironic—but do not stroke their ego. Your conversation/interaction should be like their career: flash-in-the-pan). You’ll most likely leave the restaurant or club or bar you were at because of this person. Then, you’ll realize: you had a run in with a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity.

Now, both of these types can interchange: a seemingly Real Pseudo-Celebrity may be a megalomaniac asshole who you cannot even think to look at and a Fake Pseudo-Celebrity may be an intelligent, sweet, and well intentioned individual. Take everything in strides with celebrities. They’re all different and all confusing. It’s always good to proceed with caution and many grains of salt.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2/7

The Real Pseudo-Celebrity is a joy. They are a breath of fresh air and a Los Angeleno you hope to encounter and hang out with again. They really are great people. The Fake Pseudo-Celebrity makes you want to claw your eyes out. Being in their presence is like subjecting yourself to nails on a chalkboard.

PERSON OF LA 4: The Fame Hungry Youth

We all know Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, blah, blah, and blah. These tween stars are the current “it” stars and, for every decade, a new and refashioned tween pop outfit is created for mass consumption. However, it is important to note that for every Miley and Joe Jonas, there are at least 1,271 other thirteen to twenty year olds trying to pursue the same goal: tween pop stardom.

Now, the automatic response is to blame an obsessive stage mother or father, which once was an easy answer to who and what made these tween stars. Currently, in the age of YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and Perez Hilton, celebrity has become a language that many are DYING to speak. Most of the people dying to speak it are under twenty—a lot of them live in Los Angeles, where such aspirations can become reality. These children are driven, obsessed, and fame hungry: they are their own stage parent.

These “children,” if you will, no longer attend proper school, spend their days and nights on film sets and recording studios, are constantly on the go, and eagerly await for the time when they will be chased by paparazzi whilst exiting their new, bright white Maserati. They talk about the SATs and going to prom and boyfriends/girlfriends as excitedly as any other teenager, but are plagued by such a vapidity that their view of these events is devalued, having morphed into another option they can tell their parent on set “No, I’d rather be filming.” It is neither sad nor cool: it represents a lost youth and loss of innocence that cannot be reclaimed.

Okay: it actually is a little sad.

These children aren’t terrible and can’t really help it: they are a product of technology, easy access, and the twenty-first century. In their mind, in this moment, it is all about trying to get that starring role or land that record contract or anything else in the business. Their goals of fame are right around the corner and they subconsciously can tell that their time is ticking: the doorway to child stardom is closing, while the door to twentysomething-wannabe is opening.

For them it isn’t about money: it is all about fame. Their jaded (albeit very honest and helpful) elders in the industry will tell them, “Are you sure this is what you want? One day you’re going to wish you didn’t have this fame.” They will reply that they really do want it and that they are excited for it to come. And, many years later (likely their early twenties), this revelation will set in: what happened to my youth?

In a world where popularity in school has reached a global scale, these fame-obsessed youth aren’t to be helped or hated: they are going to do this whether or not you care. You will run into them at the Beverly Center or on Melrose or Hollywood & Highland and know them when you see them: the glaze over their eyes is their future.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 7

Now, these children aren’t that bad or that terrible: it’s just so sad. It’s like watching a beautiful flower wilt and not being able to get it water. And, when you do get to give it water, the flower’s already dead, asking if the paps have arrived to get shots of its corpse.