PERSON OF LA 11: The HGMV (Hipster Gay Male Vegan)

The hipster is quite a rife creature in Los Angeles, which makes it a surprise we are just hitting our first entry on them (mainly bcause we feel Robert Lanham’s The Hipster Handbook covered this best, as it tactfully predicted and—it can be argued—created the twentysomethings who predominate urban hot spots today). However, one male hipster sub-group that crosses into a hipster dietary group that entered the hipster homosexual group is most fascinating: The HGMV, or “Hipster Gay Male Vegan.”

These guys are at a cultural clashing point that makes a lot of sense but makes zero sense. These guys are absolutely repulsed by the thought of eating meat for reasons that "make them better people" and "prove they have morals." They aren’t raging PETA people, but carry that same annoying “Oh, you actually eat animals?” chip on their shoulder. They won’t ever chastise you for eating meat but—like all hipsters—will judge you with their eyes. You’ll know they disagree, even though they assure you they “don’t care what you eat.”

Similarly, that hipster vibe just ups the ante when it comes to irony: they are gay men who don’t eat meat but willingly eat “meat.” These guys secretly find it very funny that they will gladly suck a dick but would never even think about adding a thimble of cream to their Fair Trade Coffee.

Thus, we are brought to the point of their existence in all of their communities: they clash against everything in the most successful of ways. They clash against their veganism in their pseudo-cannibalistic eating of male flesh, they clash against gay culture in their naturalism and desire to be anti-perfect diet, and they clash against hipster ideals in that they actually stand for something without being plagued by vapidity. These men are the best and worst of all they ascribe to. They are a very specific urban creature that is to be loved and hated.

In Los Angeles, these guys are creating a new market, where they have found a creative outlet through their dietary beliefs and creative urges: catering and dining. They also are good people to point you to the best vegan cuisine in town as well as dispensing advice on alternative meal ideas. (However, they are a bitch to work around, if they are invited to a dinner party.)

These guys are, generally, “nice,” but—as mentioned before—have some major chips on their shoulders. They are fun and inventive and may also get you caught in their mindset. This hipster/gay/male/vegan subset is gaining ground and growing: expect a lot more fabulously snobbish vegan restaurants to be opening in the near future.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 4

These guys really aren’t bad. You’ll think they are perfectly normal and swell. However, like most normal people, once you hear the “vegan” bomb, you’ll think differently of them. (Which is why they are a 4, instead of a 3)

PERSON(S) OF LA 3: The Church of Perez Hilton

Let’s open this entry with a disclaimer: the writers of this blog do not ascribe or follow The Church of Perez Hilton. We like to keep at arms distance from things too innately Los Angeles.

To greater America, Perez Hilton is a one-man freak show/faggot genius. He has single-handedly reshaped how the world views blogs and how the world views celebrities. He has turned the idea of paparazzi on its head as well as the idea of bottom feeding for fortune. And, he’s done a fine job turning a common Mexican surname into a badge of cultural witticism. You go girl!

In Los Angeles, Perez Hilton is a demigod of sorts. He is a power just as great—if not greater than—Scientology. It is very common for dinner table conversation or tea with a friend to kick off with the “OH MY GAW DID YOU READ PEREZ TODAY.” If you did read Perez, you and your friends will laugh, guffaw, and pat each other on the ass. If you didn’t read Perez, be prepared for the backlash: you are going to be viewed as a crazy person and likely looked down upon by your friends. Just a kind warning, dear reader.

The reason why Perez has such a grip of Los Angelenos kitty cats and cucumbers is because he’s nationally topical and geographically topical, making Los Angelenos feel directly connected to his writings. When Perez posts about a free Mika concert at The Echo (or wherever—this is all hearsay. And, Mika sucks.), expect to get at least five text messages about “PEREZ SAID FREE MIKA CONCERT WE HAVE TO GO!! LOL!!”

Now, we are recessionistas—we understand the value of free concerts, events, etc. However, going to a free Perez endorsed event is asking for trouble. Since most of the city reads the blog with the fervency of a rabid Alexa Chung fan, you are likely to incur swarms of people, zero parking, and hidden fees. It just isn’t worth it.

However, Perez has done some good. As a gay Los Angeleno, he has fought the good fight and has crusaded against Prop 8. He’s listed walks and protests and ways that locals can get into the action. He has pushed gay rights into the minds of Middle America and will probably go down in the history books as the lingering fart of an annoying gay activist. He is even responsible for making Carrie Prejean a superstar.

Yes, this is all well and good and has helped the chosen people. However, most civic minded and intellectual gays have condoned his spirit—but not his actions. He has taken the “MOMMY I WANT MY BLANKETTTT” (well, “MAMA YO QUIERO MI MANTAAAA”) form of protest to heart. He has done a good part of spreading the fight to younger generations but has become a blemish on the gay community’s moisturized and chiseled face. His “whine until you win” activism has made him the face that many Middle Americans view as all gay men. He has become the epitome of why they hate gays: they are annoying, flamboyant, sedentary, and vicious bitches.

Now, let’s digress from politics and move into dealing with followers of the Church of Perez Hilton. Since there are so many followers in Los Angeles, it’s not a good idea to give yourself away as a non-reader unless you want to be greeted by chastisement. However, there is something to be said about the person who stands up and aligns him or herself with the Church of Michael K. of Dlisted.com or Followers of Pink Is the New Blog or even Brothers and Sisters of Scandalist.com: these people are cultural warriors, expanding their minds to other bitchy bloggers.

When caught in the “Did you read Perez?” trap, you have three options:

1. “No, I don’t read Perez Hilton”—this is followed by a barrage of “WHAT YOU DON’T READ PEREZ??” and “WHO ARE YOU??” and likely a bludgeon to the head with a wine bottle.

2. “No, I didn’t catch Perez. Today. What did he say?”—whether your statement is fact or fiction, this is always a good avoid. Remember: lying that you didn’t have a chance to get online is a good exit from anything.

3. “Yes, I ‘did’ read Perez today.”—this is the highest recommended response, by pretending to have read it. The churchgoer is going to divulge the information whether or not you actually read it, so just say yes, let them spill the cultural beans, and then agree with them/match their excitement. (And, nine times out of ten, you probably heard about this cultural tidbit well before it hit Perez because you read better blogs. This option is fool proof.)

Perez Hilton’s site is a lot of good, a lot of bad, and a lot of STFU. Please read with caution. And, if you have an addiction and would like to wean yourself off of it, we can make an entry on how to quit Perez. It won’t be that hard for you (we quit BestWeekEver.tv—it was remarkably eas).

TOXICITY LEVEL: 4 - 6

These people are generally harmless and sometimes go unnoticed. Some are more fervent for others. However, they can all be duped into thinking you are a follower as well. Never forget that information.