PERSON OF LA 16: The Cross Bearing Assistant

There are a lot of important people in this world. And, for every important person, is a less-important person who greases the gears and allows for the important person to tend to his or her occupation and life—these greasers are called “assistants.”

For most celebrities, executives, or anyone who feels they have enough money to buy self-importance, he or she will hire an assistant. And, to quote a friend who is a personal assistant, “[His or Her] life is my life.” Assistants are like guide dogs: they are responsible for getting their boss from place to place and arrange their boss’ meetings and events. They do all the legwork and sleep even less and get paid next to nothing.

Depending on where and who the assistant is working for, it may not be all that bad. For example, many agents’ and lawyers’ assistants only are permitted to work from 9AM to 6PM and not on the weekends (mainly because the economy has forced them to cut costs; thus, assistant’s work less, as to prevent overtime pay). However, for most normal assistants, such grace is not granted. Many work on measly weekly wages, which is a means to justify internalized white-collar slavery.

These assistants do the majority of their boss’ work. At first, it can be “fun”: you feel liberated, excited to have such freedom, and motivated to make your boss proud. After six months of doing this multiple times a day and realizing your boss does 15% less work (masked in driving and sitting in meetings looking pretty), the assistant begins to become jaded and angry and ready to move on: they’ve come to the realization that they have been taken advantage of.

This type of assistant relationship represents about 65% of Hollywood. The remainder is usually healthy positive relationships. It just depends on if the boss and assistant “click.” As we said before, for an assistant “[his or her] life is my life.” And, if the life that you have taken on is not a good one, the relationship will be that of two employees that merely tolerate each other (despite the fact that they have to rely on each other). Such relationships are why suicide* is resorted to (11% of all assistants commit suicide each year*).

So, if you know an assistant, give them a hug and a pat on the back: they’re going through the shitter and have no exit. They’re very busy and very unhappy: try to put them in a good mood. And, most importantly, DO NOT ASK THEM ABOUT WORK: THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

TOXICITY LEVEL: 2 (5)

Like all other 2s, these people are just put in a really fucked up situation and really need help. They’re dying for a release and for a break and for a job that they actually want to do. They want to be achieving their own dreams, not wiping someone else’s ass. (Some of these assistants can be toxic, though: they’re just baby Hollywood types who will slash your throat. Or, they are so jaded that they will Debbie Downer you to death.)

*That statistic is a complete lie. But 100% have thought about killing themselves.

PERSON(S) OF LA 3: The Church of Perez Hilton

Let’s open this entry with a disclaimer: the writers of this blog do not ascribe or follow The Church of Perez Hilton. We like to keep at arms distance from things too innately Los Angeles.

To greater America, Perez Hilton is a one-man freak show/faggot genius. He has single-handedly reshaped how the world views blogs and how the world views celebrities. He has turned the idea of paparazzi on its head as well as the idea of bottom feeding for fortune. And, he’s done a fine job turning a common Mexican surname into a badge of cultural witticism. You go girl!

In Los Angeles, Perez Hilton is a demigod of sorts. He is a power just as great—if not greater than—Scientology. It is very common for dinner table conversation or tea with a friend to kick off with the “OH MY GAW DID YOU READ PEREZ TODAY.” If you did read Perez, you and your friends will laugh, guffaw, and pat each other on the ass. If you didn’t read Perez, be prepared for the backlash: you are going to be viewed as a crazy person and likely looked down upon by your friends. Just a kind warning, dear reader.

The reason why Perez has such a grip of Los Angelenos kitty cats and cucumbers is because he’s nationally topical and geographically topical, making Los Angelenos feel directly connected to his writings. When Perez posts about a free Mika concert at The Echo (or wherever—this is all hearsay. And, Mika sucks.), expect to get at least five text messages about “PEREZ SAID FREE MIKA CONCERT WE HAVE TO GO!! LOL!!”

Now, we are recessionistas—we understand the value of free concerts, events, etc. However, going to a free Perez endorsed event is asking for trouble. Since most of the city reads the blog with the fervency of a rabid Alexa Chung fan, you are likely to incur swarms of people, zero parking, and hidden fees. It just isn’t worth it.

However, Perez has done some good. As a gay Los Angeleno, he has fought the good fight and has crusaded against Prop 8. He’s listed walks and protests and ways that locals can get into the action. He has pushed gay rights into the minds of Middle America and will probably go down in the history books as the lingering fart of an annoying gay activist. He is even responsible for making Carrie Prejean a superstar.

Yes, this is all well and good and has helped the chosen people. However, most civic minded and intellectual gays have condoned his spirit—but not his actions. He has taken the “MOMMY I WANT MY BLANKETTTT” (well, “MAMA YO QUIERO MI MANTAAAA”) form of protest to heart. He has done a good part of spreading the fight to younger generations but has become a blemish on the gay community’s moisturized and chiseled face. His “whine until you win” activism has made him the face that many Middle Americans view as all gay men. He has become the epitome of why they hate gays: they are annoying, flamboyant, sedentary, and vicious bitches.

Now, let’s digress from politics and move into dealing with followers of the Church of Perez Hilton. Since there are so many followers in Los Angeles, it’s not a good idea to give yourself away as a non-reader unless you want to be greeted by chastisement. However, there is something to be said about the person who stands up and aligns him or herself with the Church of Michael K. of Dlisted.com or Followers of Pink Is the New Blog or even Brothers and Sisters of Scandalist.com: these people are cultural warriors, expanding their minds to other bitchy bloggers.

When caught in the “Did you read Perez?” trap, you have three options:

1. “No, I don’t read Perez Hilton”—this is followed by a barrage of “WHAT YOU DON’T READ PEREZ??” and “WHO ARE YOU??” and likely a bludgeon to the head with a wine bottle.

2. “No, I didn’t catch Perez. Today. What did he say?”—whether your statement is fact or fiction, this is always a good avoid. Remember: lying that you didn’t have a chance to get online is a good exit from anything.

3. “Yes, I ‘did’ read Perez today.”—this is the highest recommended response, by pretending to have read it. The churchgoer is going to divulge the information whether or not you actually read it, so just say yes, let them spill the cultural beans, and then agree with them/match their excitement. (And, nine times out of ten, you probably heard about this cultural tidbit well before it hit Perez because you read better blogs. This option is fool proof.)

Perez Hilton’s site is a lot of good, a lot of bad, and a lot of STFU. Please read with caution. And, if you have an addiction and would like to wean yourself off of it, we can make an entry on how to quit Perez. It won’t be that hard for you (we quit BestWeekEver.tv—it was remarkably eas).

TOXICITY LEVEL: 4 - 6

These people are generally harmless and sometimes go unnoticed. Some are more fervent for others. However, they can all be duped into thinking you are a follower as well. Never forget that information.