Los Angeles, California is a land of milk and honey. It is a wonderland of different sights and sounds, full of different people with interesting occupations. It’s like any cool city for young twentysomethings and trendsetters to roam—except we have celebrities.
That’s right, mother fuckers: when I go food shopping, I am more likely to spot Zachary Quinto buying a pack of Malboro Lights than I am to find a pack of double stuffed Oreo cookies. Celebrities are everywhere in Los Angeles (except where poor people are because poor people are just plain gross).
For some people, the allure of celebrity and the celebrity lifestyle is what attracts them to the city. For others, it is the celebrity themselves.
Now, don’t get me wrong: everyone enjoys a good celebrity sighting. As for the Celebrastalker, they are in a league of his or her own.
This type of person can be found in any class or caste or social grouping and they thrive off of celebrity sightings. They won’t go up to celebrities or talk to celebrities but will most definitely gawk, follow, and chat close to them, in order to steal away their attention. They will also make it a point to name drop celebrities they’ve seen and attempt to figure out the psychology of celebrities.
These people usually come from suburban upbringings, having been raised by a television. The younger ones live in the Hollywood area and frequent the “celebrity” scenes, in order to scope even the vaguest of reality stars. The older ones usually live in the Valley or by the beach. However, as stated before, there is no set agenda to these people, thus making their whereabouts unknown.
The Celebrastalkers take many shapes and forms. I’ve met a Celebrastalker who was an environmental lawyer, one who was an Anthropologie sales employee, and even a development executive at a television production company.
And, you won’t know they are one until you casually speak about a celebrity. And, when you do, be prepared for the Celebrastalker floodgate to be opened.
“Oh, I’ve seen her in person. Did you know that she is even prettier in person? It was at a party two weeks ago—Eva Mendes and Jessica Alba were also there—and she looked GORRRRRGEOUS. Also, Danny Masterson was there. (Wait—you don’t know who he is?) Anyway, I always wonder why they won’t speak to us. Why do they have to segregate themselves? They aren’t special or anything. I just think it would be cool if they stopped hanging in their own groups and commingled with people like us. Know what I mean?”
Such verbal ejaculations should be taken as a warning: these persons are unstable, will cut you in order to get closer to a celebrity, and—God forbid you are close to a celebrity—will brand you as a “friend of a celebrity.”
TOXICITY LEVEL: 8
Yes, these people are very toxic. They are like those aliens from the movie Aliens: you don't notice them at first, but when the alien pops out of their chest and tries to attack you, it's time to distance yourself.
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